Cries Between a Zanpakuto
by doublebackrunner
Summary: Rukia is becoming more and more depressed as she can't decide between Ichigo or Renji to love. This is a tale of her conflictions and love as she (tries) to move on in life in Seireitei. With the Spring Festivals coming up, will something happen to change her mind and her way of thoughts?((Please read & review! Possible RukxRenj/RukxIchi/Ichihime&more updates&possible rate change))
1. Chapter 1: Whispers

**((A/N: My first Fanfic! please review! & More updations to come with a possible rating change**

**Disclaimer: I Do not own Bleach (Although I love it very much ^.^)**

**This story is set after the anime ended))**

Rukia sat in the shower with her head between her knees.

_Where did I go wrong? What happened here? _She let her raven black hair course with water down her face, the warm liquid glided over her body as she huddled, knife in hand, sunken in thoughts. She held the Winchester blade from the world of the living, studying its glistening metallic reflections with black, hollowed eyes.

_When did I become this way? _Rukia thought back to everything that had happened – between her, Renji, Ichigo, and Orihime… - her body was degrading…

She knew she had let herself become this way. It had started when Ichigo had gotten his powers back _I had slacked off_ … Her abs that had once been so fine, her body that had once been so tight. It was lacking. _Random eating habits… _Sometimes eating four to five meals a day, other times not eating at all for over two days at a time. Her once sleek body had betrayed her, and the little pudge of her belly where her abs had once been started to become squishy.

It wasn't horrible- When she flexed she looked fine.. but now… _What am I thinking? _Rukia studied the sliver blade, testing the edge on her wrist along her wet skin. _Damn it! Damn it all! Baka! BakaBakaBaka! Orihime was with Ichigo now… and Renji was waiting for her!_

_ Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I just choose one and be happy? _Tears slid down her face, glistening and mixing with the watery swirls at her feet. She traced scars and patterns into her skin, pushing a little harder with the blade at each curve. Tying circles and shapes back in at her wrist she stopped for a moment, water drizzling down her every edge.

Replacing the knife on her wrist, she sliced through her ivory skin, watching the gentle, clean cuts flow beautiful ribbons of red down between her feet and to the drain. Rukia stared in silence, switching hands and cutting her other wrist, mesmerized by the pooling fiery ink that slipped away with the water and down the drain.

_I… I'm so sorry everybody… _Letting the pain be her focus for those few, blissful minuets, Rukia studied the red ceasing streams of blood slowly fade until her wrists had stopped bleeding altogether.

Folding the knife as the water poured from the showerhead above, Rukia placed it to the side and finished rinsing off. Stepping out of the shower, she folded the Winchester back into her clothes and slipped into a fresh and simplistic sleeping kimono.

*Sigh* _I feel so much better already._ Making her way to the main walkway and towards her room, Rukia drifted sleepily in the cool night air, stars shining brightly as they do in Seireitei.

_Whhhhhh _Feeling someone's warm breath blowing gently against her neck, Rukia spun around swiftly, taking up a defensive pose and mentally preparing for an attack.

"I –Oh!" She stared up at the tall figure in front of her. "Renji?"

"Shhh! Not so loud! You'll wake someone." Renji exclaimed in a hushed tone.

Rukia studied his face in the moonlight, blunt curiosity displayed across her face

"What are you doing here?" Rukia's voice gave little regard for anyone nearby- barely quieted compared to her regular volume levels.

"Shhhh! You're so loud!" Renji whispered "I-

"Yeah? Well too bad Renji! This is Nii-sama's estate you know, and I'm trying to go to bed!" Despite her rebuke, Rukia's voice was now just above a whisper. "Hmp." She glared up at him, arms folded across her petite chest. _My bed is calling me. I'm sure I can hear it from here._

"I… I…" Renji stuttered, her abrupt retort caught him off guard. His eyes shifted around in the breezy spring air, red hair fluttering in the gentle wind. "Some of the guys.. and I are going to the Spring Festival tomorrow!" He remembered suddenly, saving him the having to explain what he was doing on the Kuchiki Estates. "You want to come?"

He shifted back on his heels in his dark kimono, yawning and stretching out into the night air.

"Yari Yari Renji. Honestly- you had to tell me this now?" She let out a quiet bemused snicker, playing along with his half lie. _Renji, just admit it already! You came out to see me. I'm your little sister, your friend.. maybe more if you let it be, but I know you inside and out! You've always been an awful liar._ She smirked at this.

"Oh.. ok then! See ya tomorrow!" Renji said, a little too loudly.

She punched his arm tiredly and turned to leave, nighttime shadows enclosing her thinning face.

"And Rukia-" Renji grabbed her wrist quickly, catching her before she left for the night. Rukia twisted sharply around once again to face the towering young man, annoyance painted through her eyes. He looked at her questioning- worriedly. "Eleven o'clock sharp, ok? …And.. and if there's ever anything.. anything you want to talk about…" He glanced at the boarded ground awkwardly. "I'm still here, alright?" His gaze shifted upwards, crossing over what he now saw as her cut wrist.

His eyes widened at the fresh markings on her pale skin

"Rukia!"

"It's nothing." With her eyes downcast, Rukia snatched away her hand, turning her back to Renji and avidly walking towards her room. "Goodnight Renji. See you tomorrow." She whispered just loud enough for him to hear as she walked away.

Renji was stunned.

"Good…Goodnight." He watched her slip into the shadows, disappearing into the umbra, stunned.

**((A/N:**

**"Yari Yari" means My My, or Good Greif**

**Umbra is the thickest and darkest layer of shadows ))**


	2. Chapter 2: Cries

**Chappy Two! Please Read & Review- this is my first fanfic so all comments and reflections are welcome! Hope you enjoy it**

**(Again, I do not own Bleach /) ^-^(\\ ) **

The next morning Rukia Kuchiki woke just before dawn as she always did, taking her zampakuto Sode no Shirayuki, she flash-stepped briskly to her favorite meditation spot – several hundred feet above Sokyoku Hill.

Balancing her reiatsu, Rukia came to the edge of the huge rock mesa, crossed her legs and sat down on the ground, zampakuto lain her lap. Facing the rising sun and cool fresh breezes, Rukia closed her eyes and concentrated.

_Wishhhhhh… shhhhhhhh _The wind rustled past her as Rukia cleared her mind, focusing entirely on Sode no Shirayuki, and she slowly rose up into the dawn sky.

_Sode no Shirayuki… Yuki? _Rukia opened her eyes to her mental world, finding herself not in her normal ice kingdom, but of one made of red, flowing warm rivers across great open sandy plains. _Oh my god… Yuki! Sode no Shirayuki where are you?! _Rukia called out frantically for her zampakuto, running through orange hot sands and down towards where all the rivers flowed together at what seemed to be like a giant basin.

_Rukia? Are you there? _A delicate, soft voice called out to her as Rukia fled down to the red, gathering lake, and she ran faster.

_ Yuki where are you? _Rukia slowed as she reached the swirling red lake's edge, willing her zampakuto's voice to speak again. _Shirayuki? _She glanced around, noticing a very disturbing smell coming from the red lake.

_Rukia! _Sode no Shirayuki's voice rang out, gentle and clear. _I'm up here!_

Rukia looked directly above her to see her zampakuto sitting balanced on a thin sheet of ice.

_Hurry! Up here Rukia! _Sode no Shirayuki extended a pale hand forward and glass-like steps of ice appeared in the air, spiraling up towards the glistening ice. _Quickly- before it melts!_

Rukia recovered from her daze swiftly and scampered up the cool ice stairs. Precautiously

sitting next to her zampakuto on the ice, she gazed at her special katana questioningly.

_What happened here? _Rukia asked Sode no Shirayuki. _When did… I become like this?_ She watched as Shirayuki raised them higher, away from the powerful rustic fumes below before answering.

Shirayuki stared at her for a moment

_I think you know the answer to that. This is your doing you know._

_ I suppose I could have said something… but you've been so wrapped up lately with squad duties… Honestly I don't know what to do at this point Rukia._

She folded her long, pure white sleeves neatly around her figure and paused a moment to lightly sweep her hair around her finely cut and feminine shoulders.

_Rukia, do you realize what that is down there? Do you know? Do you have any idea what those red rivers are made of and what they're doing to me and you?_

Rukia felt a sickening hunch form in the pit of her stomach.

_That smell. It… it smells like blood._

Blood.

Her blood.

_ Look down Rukia. Look down from up here and tell me what you see._ Rukia could feel the distain coming from her Zampakuto's lips, her beautiful porcelain face just barely showing the disapproval Rukia received.

Rukia turned and watched in dismay at the red rivers coursing to the lake below them, and it dawned on her the patterns the rivers flowed in.

_Those patterns…_

The patterns from every single time she had ever cut. The shapes and designs she had imprinted upon herself.

_What have I done? Oh my god what have I done? Sode no Shirayuki I.. I… I am sorry._

Rukia turned back around to face her zampakuto- Rukia's face full of remorse and Shirayuki's displaying more regret than anything else.

_I -_ Rukia started to speak, and Shirayuki interrupted.

_Rukia, it's going to take more than apologies to fix your mental world, and your heart's perception._ Sode no Shirayuki sighed, long and tired. _It all started yesterday evening, when I believe you conversed with Renji. _Her zampakuto stared her dead in the eyes. _When he had noticed your cuts, something changed. Before it was just a few simple streams coming up from the ground- an easy fix between you and me. When he noticed, the streams turned to rivers with springs- they sizzled through all the ice._

Rukia sat, patience dwelling between them both as she listened, sadness starting to wash over her. _Do you have any ideas how to fix… me?_

_ Rukia, you have to learn to love again. Become at peace with yourself. I can't be the only person knowing your inner thoughts and emotions forever, you must find somebody and stop tearing yourself apart! _Sode no Shirayuki stated flatly.

Rukia nodded. _Fine. I'm sure I can manage._

_ Good. If you want, you can always talk to me, but you can't keep these things inside you forever Rukia. It will tear you apart- break you. _Shirayuki's expression softened and she placed her untainted hands down in her lap against her snow-white kimono. _Oh, I believe it's getting time for you to prepare to leave for the spring festivals, yes?_

_ Oh! Thank you for reminding me Yuki. _Rukia smiled warmly and watched her mental world fade as she closed her eyes.

_See you tomorrow. _Her zampakuto called out as Rukia returned to Seireitei. _I'll be fine for now…_

_Goodbye! _She opened her eyes to the real world and another shocking realization set in- Rukia was falling!

**((A/N:**

**Reiatsu- Spiritual Pressure**

**Yuki- Snow**

**Thanks so much for reading I'll hopefully have chapter three up in the next few days! Please Rate & Review!**

**-Doublebackrunner (Liz) ))**


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